I live in a small town out in the middle of no where. This is no suprise to those who know me and have visited Sue and I (or in the case of you who have actually spent a great deal of time here with us'ns). Y'all know how small and isolated we are out here in the middle of BF Egypt.

I also own my own business. I am the town's locksmith. I am the watch dog of people's security around here. People look to me to care for their possessions by installing, upgrading and maintaining their locks. I have to present a certain image of honesty and  integrity. My clients who know me well know I am beyond honest (to my own detriment in business) and my integrity is beyond question with them. Those people don't care what I look like. They have known me forever, they are used to my quirky short hair cuts and my rather masculine appearence. They just accept me for who I am, knowing I will always do my utmost to maintain their security at a reasonable price.  

It's all those old people who live out on Holiday Island and new comers in and around town who don't know me who might be taken aback should I get much quirkier than I already am.  I have to maintain a certain sense of decorum in my physical presence. What that translates out to is, I can't really be the real me.

The real me is a smart ass who likes to make amusing observational remarks. I can't do that around my customers. I have to just smile and tell them their African Violet collection is very beautiful.

I made the decision the other day that I was going to attempt to retire in a couple of years. Somehow making that decision to retire rfeed something up inside me. It's like this weight on my shoulders is begining to lift slightly.

Yesterday I found myself making honest wise ass jokes in front of a customer. Now I know this customer pretty well. Not in the sense that we actually might go out for coffee and crossants, but well enough that we can make idle chit chat with each other. I found my idle chit chat losing a bit with him yesterday. I found myself playing along with his joking around. Usually I just smile or chuckle appropriately when a customer makes a joke. I never drop the professional decorum and let my real self out.

Yesterday I found myself cracking jokes right back at Rich. We had a pretty good time making jokes about the place he just bought and was having rekeyed. I know the locks in his new resort very well. I know his new property's locks well enough to know that a large chunk of them are near death. I found myself telling him that 2 of his cabin units had locks on them that were dying a slow and painful death. Usually I would not put it that way with a customer. I would tell them that their locks will need replacing soon as they are in very poor shape. Instead I told him they were in worse shape than the Pope. He laughed, I laughed.

I realised that I was letting go in a way. Letting go of "professional" J. Letting go of a persona I had to create many years ago in order to make the needed money to survive in this culture. The truth is, "Professional" J has been dying a slow and painful death for the last 13 years. Ever since I first moved here to BF Egypt.

I am not sure if I ever really liked Professonal J all that much. Other people seemed to liek Professional J, but for me, Professional J was such a narrow aspect of me that I felt confined in many ways by Professional J.

It's not like when I do finally retire that Professional J will actually die. Professonal J will still have to be around to handle business transactions like purchasing property and handling other grown up stuff related to money.

So the real J, who has been stuffed down inside only to come out on rare occassions, is going to be coming out more often. Real J slipped out a little yesterday.  I have a feeling that as time goes by, Real J is going to slip out more and more. I am not sure how that is going to feel or look like yet. I'll keep you posted.