As I contemplate the events of the day, I find myself in a quandary. Mostly about life and the "whys" that have always plagued me.
Unfortunately for me, I often wonder far too much about the meaning and outcome of things, be they personal or global. I often feel like I am in the perpetual motion of a Catch 22. The proverbial hamster in his wheel, going round and round but always ending up back in the same place.
I even wonder as I am now, why I even wonder and ponder things so much. Why do I put myself through all this mental suffering anyway?
Here's a secret only I know about me (well others may know it, but they are kind enough to never say it to my face). I have always believed if I work just a little harder at making things perfect around me, then I can go on with life and live in peace. If I just fix this thing, then I can walk away from whatever and go on in peace. If I just figure out how to make this thing work right, I will be able to walk away and go do what it is I think I really want to be doing.
I have never been good at puzzles. Mental or otherwise. Yet everything has always been a huge puzzle I needed to unravel. Just about the time I think I have the puzzle at least partly solved, I seem to always come upon a kink (and not the good kind of kink) that is even more tightly wound and tangled. Today the puzzle hit the kink wall with a slam of my head to concrete.
Maybe because of this war, maybe because it's an election year, I am not sure, but something just slammed me upside the head today and has me reeling inside with the quandary of it all.
As I whirl away in my hamster wheel, I suddenly realize that maybe, just maybe I am getting absolutely nowhere. That I am only making myself insane from all this thinking and trying to unravel the puzzle. I certainly have sent my blood pressure up a notch or two anyway.
One thing I try very hard not to do is believe that I know all the answers to anything. I know facts about way too many things. But facts can be just as deceiving at times as the White House spin doctors.
There are times when I truly believe that there is no such thing as truth. Today is one of those days. I look at the facts I know and they do not add up, nor compute. I think about my child, born into a world that I see as totally insane and think, is this any worse of a time in human history than any other? Is it not all relative? And if I go deep enough into my core beliefs, what does anything matter if this earth is just a lesson?
Maybe that is what my real problem is today. Because today I entertained the notion that there is nothing more than what I see in front of me. That there is nothing past this existence. That when I stop breathing for the last time that that is it, I cease to exist, forever. That brought on a despondency I have never contemplated before. That this is it, that there is nothing more, that all that I have known in my lifetime and know now and will experience in the next 10 years is all there really is to life.
The despondency is over knowing how much time I have pissed away believing things I once thought as truth. So much in my belief system that stopped me from fully experiencing things. And now as my health is failing me, more rapidly as the days go by, I think, so many things that require health and more time than I have, I have not experienced and never will, not even in another lifetime. As I stood in the river of my life, they floated by enticing me and I let them go thinking they would come again when I was ready.
What's funny is, once I realized I was really slowly dying, once I began to feel the life force slowly leaving my body and my physical systems begin to slowly let go of this life, I began to attempt to live life as fully as I could. Only I know how short my time has become. I have pushed my life expectancy out in my head for years. Told myself (fuck whatever any doctors ever told me) that I had X amount left before I would slowly slip away.
I am rapidly approaching what the doctors told me over ten years ago was the cut off for being able to still live without an oxygen tank. I am still lying to myself. I still refuse to honestly believe I am that sick. And yet the physical signs are becoming more apparent to me every day. Bill and I had this conversation the other day. He is slowly dying too and he has had the same problem I have been having. His physicalstrength is slipping away rapidly too.
Bill's lucky in ways I am not. He still has his VA benefits, he can still get his drugs for free. I can't even go to the doctor for a simple prescription let alone a full physical to determine which is the best route to take to make my remaining time less "whatever" ( weak, painful, frightening?).
Which brings me back to my hamster wheel. I could go get medical assistance, get Medicaid or whatever if I didn't own a house. So I say, ok, I will find a way to pay my house off and get it out of my name and into Sue's name. These thoughts propel my every action from that point forward. I work to the point of exhaustion trying to pay for this house and the harder I work it seems, the less I make financially. And at every point I turn, it seems the universe does not want me to be able to pay off this house, nor get it out of my name, nor be able to seek out medical assistance, nor make sure my family is not left bereft when I do finally go. (this is my secret in action, I must FIX things before I can leave it behind and know peace)
I have spent enormous energy giving this thought over the last few years. How do I fix this Catch 22? If I leave here and have not done what is right and honorable by the people I have promised to care for, then will I have some karmic debit to pay in some other lifetime? Will I have missed some important lesson or is being able to let go of my belief that being good and honorable is important the lesson I am missing? And if my final and only real truth that I have left turns out to be a lie too, then why have I spent all these years in this hamster wheel? Pissing away forever my only life...
The truth is, I am weary and I just want to be able to let it all go. I can't remember what Ky told me that night about why I needed to let it all go... I can't remember the logic or the argument. It just seemed so right, whatever it was that she said to me. I keep trying to remember that conversation, but I cannot. I don't know how to let things go easily. I don't know how to just free fall easily. I have to have concrete evidence that there is a net below before I blindly trust.
What a quandary I have let myself fall into. My hamster wheel is slowing down, I am running out of time. This is the kind of time in your life where you might want to consider reaching out for help, but I will only draw further in a shell. I will only pull further inside and search myself for the answer. And if I cannot find them as the wheel goes round and round, I will grow even more despondent.
Sleep my child and peace attend thee, guardian angels god will send thee, all through the night.
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